Patty Spillchuk of Pulaski, Tennesee was struck down on Wednesday, November 23 by the news of the Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson break up. She was taken to Hillside Hospital for injuries sustained in the accident. “It just came out of nowhere,” Spillchuk said from her room in the mental ward, “I just didn’t see it coming”. Officer Mark Medownuh was the first respondant on scene at the time of the accident, “I’ve never seen anything like it. We all saw it coming, it was pretty obvious. But there she was crossing the street and bam! She went down like a sack of potatoes. It’s sad really, she had nice pants on.”
News of the breakup came just the day before Thanksgiving, prompting Patty to skip a holiday dinner with her family. “It’s imperative that I try to reach Nick and Jessica” Patty said from a padded observation room “they’re going to need my help during this ordeal. It’s a test of their relationship really, and I’m a part of that. This will come as such a shock to the world and I’ll need to update my website (www.pattynickjessicashrine.com ) since I doubt anyone else will be reporting this tragedy. If only there was some magazine coverage…”
The self proclaimed president of the Nick and Jessica fan club since 2001, 42 year old Patty spends her free time away from running her website working as a dessert toppings supervisor for a local all-you-can-eat buffet. She claims that she can influence Nick’s meal choices with telepathy and also says that she and Jessica sat in the same car on a roller coaster when they were children. Patty lives with 7 3-legged cats and has a collection of charms blow pops and flies to work on a winged buffalo.
Patty’s physician, Dr. Johnson, says her physical wounds were superficial, but worries about her mental state. “Miss Spillchuk is suffering from severe dillusions, investing her time and energies into the events of two people who don’t know or care about her and that have no bearing on her life. The tragedy of it all is that she’s turned her back on her family and friends, the ones who are here with her at her bedside during this ordeal. Her obsession with the lives of these ‘reality’ stars has crossed a very dangerous line.”
Patty’s 98 year old grandmother Mable, who exptects this to be her last Thanksgiving, had hoped to see her over the holidays. When asked if she thought she would see Patty at Christmas, Mable said “Mmmnngghhh, snkkkkkkk, drool…” and then fell asleep. This is your reality Patty, grasp it now before it slips away.
Nice pants on, winged buffalo, ha! You funny.
“it’s sad really, she had nice pants on” — just the kind of random unrelated response that I love. One has to ask also what has she done with her cat’s 4th legs?